I'm Scared.

I'm scared. As I lay here trying to get comfortable and let the antihistimines take effect to help with the reaction to the antibiotics I had been taking, I am so incredibly scared. So scared, in fact, that I am having to fight desperately to keep myself from descending into the dark hole where, in the past, I've curled up into a ball and done my damnedest to ignore the fear. My fingernails are caked with dirt from working to drag myself out of that hole before I go any deeper.

I know I shouldn't be afraid- the infection is healing, the worst is over. What is there to fear? I look at the incisions (one is 3 inches and one is about an inch) and I wonder if they will ever heal well or if I will have a set of ugly scars for the rest of my life. It's a stupid thing to be afraid of, but I fear it. I'm afraid that it will be disgusting and will cause other areas of my life to suffer once healed.

I fear the new antibiotic will not be effective- that the hives will go away, but that the infection will return. And what if my body just doesn't have what it takes to fight the MRSA again? I'm afraid of getting so sick that I cannot fight it.

I fear the next surgery that will likely happen in the next week or two. I fear being put under anesthesia again. I'm afraid I won't wake back up. I fear never seeing my son's face or holding him or kissing his soft sweet cheek, or runing my fingers through his hair. I fear going under and not having told the person I love how much I do love them- not hearing their voice beforehand. Not tasting their kiss.

I'm afraid that with all these restrictions- no work, no driving- that I will fall back into the hole. I know I have family and friends who love me and will do everything they can for me, but it's such an imposition to have to come and pick me up to go do something (a movie, dinner, just hanging out). And I need to get out- I need to go see a movie, I need to go out to eat, I need to just hang out and watch tv/a movie. I know that I need this. But I find I can't ask it of anyone- I can't ask them to set their lives aside to come cater to me. No one has the time to do that for/with me. Everyone has lives. I am not anywhere near the center of them.

I'm just tired. And clawing to get out of the house and do something mostly stationary, that just doesn't involve being at the doctor/in the hospital/ or in my bed. I'm trying so hard to hold on to the positive things but it is so hard. :( I'm finding it so hard, which is so stupid because I have an amazing family, the love of the most awesome little boy ever to breathe, and the love of a good man.
I just need to find something, anything, super positive and hold on for dear life until I'm on an upswing again. I am holding onto my faith with all I have and praying like crazy. Prayer is all I have left at this point.
On a positive note, unless you were to get all handsy on my incision/wound area, I'm not going to make you sick.

I don't even know what this blog is really about. My fear, maybe. I'm really scared. I wish I were 5 again and someone hugging me and telling me that it will all be ok was enough to make me believe that everything would be ok. That everything would get better. But I'm not, and it doesn't work that way.

I'm scared. And lonely.

So it goes.