The heavens are wide open tonight.

It rained today. Really, I should say we had storms and torrential downpours. Saying that it rained simply does not do justice to the sheets of heavy rain that flooded the roads and left me hydroplaning all the way to work. Something more majestic must be said about a downpour such as that from this afternoon. So here goes:
The day was battered by whipping winds and drowning rains, soaking everything possible.
..Yeah. Just not feeling that. So it rained and it rained hard and eventually, AFTER I got to work and got inside, it stopped. So it goes.

I love the way the world is after it has rained hard and long and washed the film of stagnancy from everything. Greens are brighter. Everything smells clean. The air feels clean. I like storms- I like them a lot, actually. They energize me. I am both energized and weary tonight. I'm not exactly certain how I have managed both states, but I have. Eventually the storms cleared out, and as I was driving home from work, I was awed by the beauty of the stars all throughout the sky.

I could write about what the stars look like- like they were a blanket of stars, so thick I thought I might be suffocated or drown in them- but that has been written so many times before by so many different people. Any attempt to put to words the majesty of them with the use of cliches and oft used adjectives would demean the beauty of the night. The sky is dark- such a dark inky black as almost to seem impenetrable. And then, everywhere, are points of light. Stars. All shining at different rates, all projecting different light. I wonder at how many different galaxies I'm actually seeing, if somewhere out there someone like me is looking out at the stars from their view, thinking the exact same thoughts.

And looking at those stars, I feel small. I am reminded of how insignificant I really am in the world. How inconsequential the comings and goings of my daily life are. But I don't feel saddened or upset by this- this acknowledgment of others, that I am not the center of the universe, it feels good. It's refreshing. It's energizing. There is an entire world of small people, like me, out there. I don't think of them enough. I'm so caught up in myself and my own mess that it takes something spectacular, something bigger than myself, something majestic, to remind me of everyone else.

I've been thinking a lot about love recently- and not just romantic love, although that has been on my mind- and how freely I give my love. I don't love nearly enough- past baggage has me withholding my love. Prejudice has me withholding my love. And I can't help but wonder the difference it would make in MY life if I were to love more and judge less. I just finished a very good book that touched on this and I've had the idea in my head ever since. What would happen if I just loved? It might not change the world, but maybe, just maybe, it would change me.

So my goal is to love freely. I'm going to put aside the qualifications that I have built up inside my head regarding who I am willing to love, and I'm simply going to love people. Call it an experiment. With any luck, I'll have successful results to report.

The heavens are wide open tonight- exactly as I wish my heart to be.

Lullaby That is Your Heartbeat

Hadn't slept
in days
yet
I fell asleep to the steady
strong
safe
lullaby that is your heartbeat
I was laying in
your arms
my head against your chest
your arms around me
and my heart- once more
it became yours
again and again and again

And I meant it when I said I love you
and I miss you
and it's most overpowering
but I know I have to keep it in, stay reserved
but I don't want to.

I want to show up at your door
and kiss you until you are dizzy
and I'm dizzy
and we collapse, laughing,
onto the couch.
Breathless.
And talk, for hours,
or simply be quiet
together.
Just together.
With you.

You said that you've missed me
and I believe you
I miss you
and I love you.
And I want you.

I feel stupid, sometimes,
and confused
waiting here
waiting for an acknowledgment
for some time
But I still wait.

I fell asleep
to to the steady
strong
safe
lullaby that is your heartbeat.

Random Meanderings

The firm, ripe, white flesh gave way easily as she sank her teeth into it. An explosion of tart sweetness burst over her lips, racing like electricity through her mouth. The slightly sandpaper-like skin prickled her tongue. Juice dripped out of the right corner of her mouth and down her chin in beads. Her eyes were closed and her face was lifted heavenward, caught in a moment of pure joy. She tried to extend the moment, the bliss, the sweetness, by staying completely still. But like all such moments, it passed too quickly and left only its impression on her senses. With the back of her free hand, she wiped away the traces of juice from her chin, sighed, and tossed the pit of the fruit into the tide. A light breeze lifted a stray blond curl away from her face and caused her skirt to graze her legs. She opened wide, hopeful blue eyes and stared out at the horizon over the water from her place on the edge of dock, and continued to wait.

When I got home from work tonight, I grabbed a piece of fruit from the fridge, took a bite, and immediately had to write. That was what came of it. Not terribly impressed. It'll probably end up as part of a short story of some sort, though I am not certain of what the short story will be yet. Thought I'd post it anyway since I needed to update my blog anyway.

So it goes.

Plans

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. --- Jeremiah 29:11

Occasionally, you find yourself with the opportunity to get to know yourself better. Sometimes it is something that you have searched for and about but have been unable to find. And sometimes you find yourself face to face with the opportunity despite the fact that you were dragged, kicking and screaming, not at all willingly to that point in time, at that exact place. You are faced with a choice- take the time you find yourself so suddenly with and use it constructively or lose your ever-loving mind. For myself, I decided to do a little bit of both. I lost my mind and cried and hurt and almost let my hurt determine my fate. Then, I wiped my eyes (and applied any number of remedies suggested by girlfriends to ease some of the swelling around them), took a deep breath, and decided to face the day.

I was deleting redundant status comments out of my facebook yesterday when I realized how often I had posted status messages stating that I really didn't know how much I could take- how far I could bend. If I could really handle what had been placed in my path. The more I thought about those status messages, the more I found myself thinking about other situations in my life over the past 6 months or so since I truly began to feel my faith and spirituality growing back in my heart. So often, I questioned if I was ready- for everything and anything.

It hit me, like a grand piano plummeting eight stories from the sky right on top of my head, that when it came to the plan for my life, for what I could and couldn't handle, I erroneously believed that my human anxieties regarding each situation made me a better judge of what I could handle and accept than even GOD could plan. So what if He had the base plans for my life laid out and that He knows my heart better than I could possibly- I still know better!

How vain. How faithless. How self-important.

Of course, I don't really know better than God the general twists and turns that map out how He sees my life meandering through this world. I believe firmly in free will and I don't feel that that conflicts with my belief that God does have an outline regarding my life. His plan is not a permanent marker dragged screeching over a sheet of paper putting down the exact path that you HAVE to take. His plan is a soft pencil drawing- possibly a charcoal sketch- where the basic shape is visible but each curve and turn is open to interpretation. You can choose to go left or right, back or forward, up or down. You have to decide what the final shape the artist's hand will have to layer in to the image. At each stage of the drawing, there is not more there for you to face or experience than what He knows that you can somehow handle and that you are capable of making work. It is only when you fail to trust that He would not put more in your hands or in your heart than you have ability to accept and embrace that you rip the charcoal from the artist's fingers and alter his plans, sometimes in ways that feel irreparable.

And boy, have I managed that one. Who hasn't, though? So few of us can say honestly that we haven't, at some point in time, showed so little faith that the choice we made was one that God already knew about and had written into the little moments that together make up our lives. Maybe you went off to college, young and naive and lost, and mistook physical affection for love, being drunk for feeling alive, and ended up a single mom. Maybe, like me when I was that young and naive and lost eighteen year old, you trusted so little in the fact that God knew what you could handle that you lost your mind. But maybe, God knew that you would reach that point in your life and it was part of how he had filled out the bones of the sketch of your life. Maybe you failed at a relationship you feel that you should have been able to salvage and can't wrap your head around the idea that you couldn't make it work. But maybe, just maybe, the test wasn't making the relationship work. The best way to flesh out that part of the drawing was accepting the things you cannot change in yourself and others and moving out of something unhealthy, trusting that He wouldn't put you in a position where the end of one thing necessarily means failure. Maybe drugs and addiction are the off page courses you've taken. But all along the way, there have been paths back onto the page, openings.

It's easy for me to believe this, because MY personal God is a loving God. He is a parent- like I do with my son, he goes out of his way to guide me along the right path, but if I'm determined to go my own way, to see what sort of trouble waits along that road, He reluctantly lets me. He makes certain there are multiple chances along that way for me head back in the other direction.

Once I came to these realizations, a cloud of anxiety lifted from my heart and my view of what was and is going on my life. Everything that is in front of me right now- from relationship situations that I would normally run as far from as I possibly could manage to work to family- is something that I am capable and READY to handle. He believes that I have the faith and the love and hope and ability to bend. Regardless of where things go or how things work out or which direction I decide to take when it comes to fleshing out His plans for me, the things happening right now are good and right and ones He believes I am ready to experience. So I'm finished with doubting Him. I will allow my heart to be led by his gentle guidance. Sure- I can't know for certain how His plans and free will will work in the hearts of those people surrounding me, so I don't know which direction this movable piece of art that is life is going to take. But I know that my path, the one I choose, will be one that strives to accept and live the idea that I wouldn't be at his moment if He hadn't seen some good coming from it. I will strive to find that good and carry it with me as I go.
New meaning, for me, to the phrase Let Go and Let God.

I want to end this with a pretty famous prayer that has always been a big part of my life. I am the daughter of an addict who has spent my entire life battling his addictions through the help of AA and NA (Narcotics Anonymous). This prayer is a keystone, for me, and very fitting, with the idea that I wouldn't be in this moment if I hadn't taken one of the paths back to the picture-in-progress that he left open for me because he knew I would be here, and he knew that at some point, I'd be ready for the moment I am in, right this very second.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

The Invitation

The Invitation
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

In addition...

I'm sending this out to the universe because the universe is wide and despite my current frustrations, it is the undeniable truth.

I love you.

So it goes.

It's Independence Day

And I dreamed I was dying
I dreamed that my soul rose unexpectedly
And looking back down at me
Smiled reassuringly
And I dreamed I was flying
And high up above my eyes could clearly see
The Statue of Liberty
Sailing away to sea
And I dreamed I was crying

We come on the ship they call the Mayflower
We come on the ship that sailed the moon
We come in the age's most uncertain hours
and sing an American tune
Oh, and it's alright, it's all right, it's all right
You can't be forever blessed
Still, tomorrow's going to be another working day
And I'm trying to get some rest
That's all, I'm trying to get some rest...

It is Independence Day. Today all across the United States of America, people will be celebrating. There will be much drinking and grilled food. People will gather, eager not to spend the day the alone. Alcohol and explosives will be mixed. Chaos will reign. A good time will be had by most.

As for me and mine, the 4th of July will be spent with extended family and friends. I'm fortunate in that way- I am a member of a large and inviting family who are quite patriotic. We are a military family- on my father's side, there has not been a generation not to serve the United States of America since the American Revolution. On my mother's side, the history is just as rich. Yesterday evening was spent at my Uncle's house (my father's youngest brother) celebrating the holiday because he has to leave Sunday for Army Reserve training. Tonight, I'll be celebrating with my mother's side of the family. Swimming, food, family, friends, fireworks, and fun.

I'm adjusting to change right now. I jumped from a plane without a parachute and experienced a very sudden stop after a trip that still has me a bit breathless. I'm not counting the bruises right now- they are mostly too sore to aggravate. I'd like to lay the blame elsewhere, but when it comes down to it, I'm battered due to my own lack of care for myself and my own insistence in continuing to believe that kisses are promises and not looking before I leap. I made a promise to myself a number of years ago that I would keep a specific amount of safe space around myself to prevent such happenings, but as soon as his lips touched mine for the first time, it all went out the door. I was disarmed. I put down the anti-aircraft weapon controls that I normally cling to- "Warning: Enemy sighted. Firing warning shot." I'd like to hit myself at times like this- I know that kisses aren't promises and that promises don't really count. Call me a pessimist. Call me skeptical. You'd be right on both counts.
That's the theme for my next tattoo, I think. I may have it tattooed on the underside of my eyelids and on my forehead. "Kisses aren't promises, Fool."
And I'm bitter. I've been working hard not to be, to accept that it's nothing personal that space from everyone is really a kind way of saying 'space from you, specifically' but it's hard. Another of my many character flaws.

I am kind of surprised that I haven't just up and run yet. I've opened my eyes the past few mornings and experienced a bit of shock that the first thought on my mind was not, "Today's the day I run, so I reach the door first". Sticking around and waiting makes me anxious. It makes me like a beaten dog- all movements no matter how small make me jerk an catch my breath, certain that the final blow is coming. It's ridiculous and irrational. I don't stick around and wait for the final blow- I run. But I'm not running this time. Whatever comes, comes. I'll be here to accept it.

I know the need for space is not about me. Fortunately my blog is about me, though. I am resolved not to write about this subject again, though. If only I could stop myself from thinking about it.

So it goes.

You'd be a beautiful, rambling, klutz. Eloquent but without grace. You'd be amazing.

I've had a thing for that particular statement since the moment I first read it. It was a gut punch- someone actually knew me well enough to know how completely me that description was, and was still there. It was a first. It was bliss.

I'll let you in on a little secret. I'm a sucker for the written word. Things like this:

Kindred spirit is a term for someone who shares similar thoughts, feelings, someone who is close in temperament and nature to yourself, to whom you have a rare spiritual link that is very special and you can't quite explain.

.. make my heart stop in my chest. I love words- I love the way that when put together in the right order, they can unlock the deepest chambers of your heart and mind. I love the way that the same words, when put in a slightly different order, can devastate. The intimacy of words compels me to crave them like an addict needs their next fix. And when words don't come, it leaves my soul feeling bereft. So it goes.

This is my first post in this blog. I have some time on my hands and a lot on my mind- and enough varied emotions sloshing around that I'm inspired to write-, so it will be the first of many. What will this blog be about? Words. Words I've said. Words I've meant to say. Words I've heard. Those I need to hear. Words I'll never hear. Words I want to hear. The ones I want to say. The ones I'll never say. Look for some short stories to come, some spiritual discussion, most likely some whining, undoubtedly some tears. There will probably be some frustration, annoyance, and anger tossed into the mix just to liven things up. No holds barred. So it goes.

There's little in life quite as daunting as facing a newly cleared screen with nothing but a blinking cursor in a sea of white pixels. One has but two choices: stare blankly at it and fail to keep going or fill it with the words occupying your soul. I think you can guess which one I'm choosing.