It's Independence Day

And I dreamed I was dying
I dreamed that my soul rose unexpectedly
And looking back down at me
Smiled reassuringly
And I dreamed I was flying
And high up above my eyes could clearly see
The Statue of Liberty
Sailing away to sea
And I dreamed I was crying

We come on the ship they call the Mayflower
We come on the ship that sailed the moon
We come in the age's most uncertain hours
and sing an American tune
Oh, and it's alright, it's all right, it's all right
You can't be forever blessed
Still, tomorrow's going to be another working day
And I'm trying to get some rest
That's all, I'm trying to get some rest...

It is Independence Day. Today all across the United States of America, people will be celebrating. There will be much drinking and grilled food. People will gather, eager not to spend the day the alone. Alcohol and explosives will be mixed. Chaos will reign. A good time will be had by most.

As for me and mine, the 4th of July will be spent with extended family and friends. I'm fortunate in that way- I am a member of a large and inviting family who are quite patriotic. We are a military family- on my father's side, there has not been a generation not to serve the United States of America since the American Revolution. On my mother's side, the history is just as rich. Yesterday evening was spent at my Uncle's house (my father's youngest brother) celebrating the holiday because he has to leave Sunday for Army Reserve training. Tonight, I'll be celebrating with my mother's side of the family. Swimming, food, family, friends, fireworks, and fun.

I'm adjusting to change right now. I jumped from a plane without a parachute and experienced a very sudden stop after a trip that still has me a bit breathless. I'm not counting the bruises right now- they are mostly too sore to aggravate. I'd like to lay the blame elsewhere, but when it comes down to it, I'm battered due to my own lack of care for myself and my own insistence in continuing to believe that kisses are promises and not looking before I leap. I made a promise to myself a number of years ago that I would keep a specific amount of safe space around myself to prevent such happenings, but as soon as his lips touched mine for the first time, it all went out the door. I was disarmed. I put down the anti-aircraft weapon controls that I normally cling to- "Warning: Enemy sighted. Firing warning shot." I'd like to hit myself at times like this- I know that kisses aren't promises and that promises don't really count. Call me a pessimist. Call me skeptical. You'd be right on both counts.
That's the theme for my next tattoo, I think. I may have it tattooed on the underside of my eyelids and on my forehead. "Kisses aren't promises, Fool."
And I'm bitter. I've been working hard not to be, to accept that it's nothing personal that space from everyone is really a kind way of saying 'space from you, specifically' but it's hard. Another of my many character flaws.

I am kind of surprised that I haven't just up and run yet. I've opened my eyes the past few mornings and experienced a bit of shock that the first thought on my mind was not, "Today's the day I run, so I reach the door first". Sticking around and waiting makes me anxious. It makes me like a beaten dog- all movements no matter how small make me jerk an catch my breath, certain that the final blow is coming. It's ridiculous and irrational. I don't stick around and wait for the final blow- I run. But I'm not running this time. Whatever comes, comes. I'll be here to accept it.

I know the need for space is not about me. Fortunately my blog is about me, though. I am resolved not to write about this subject again, though. If only I could stop myself from thinking about it.